Wednesday, January 17, 2018
Wednesday, February 15, 2017
La La Land ...... reflexions of/on my life!
Ohhh! UAU! This film got me by the soul! - a transgeracionalidade e os sonhos - confronto com a realidade: persegui-los ou abandoná-los, re-significá-los ou não!
A film of my own story is beeing quite pervasive in my working memory!
So, I have found
No better solution than to write something about it, to see if I can re-consolidate my long term memory!! ...and than, proceed , to follow the stream of life....Beggining with the sound of music, and of course, this piano-play by itself.
Alone as a sound, with -each-other, a melody!
E o link começa.... com as notas tocadas individualmente, com a confluência para uma melodia suave, de forma t o c a n t e, que me conduz ao meu mundo interno, ao meu porão do inconsciente.... onde muitos sonhos foram deixados, pois que o conflito com a realidade os deixava absurdos e utópicos.... MAS ao acompanhar a historia de MIA me deparei com similaridades que tinha durante o cursar na faculdade Medicina ( e antes, of course) e que pareciam sem sentido mas que agora vejo TEM TODO O SENTIDO! Com as peculiaridades de cada historia.... e nos pontos de contato entre MIA e MARIA tudo começa com os progenitores.....
Meu pai sonhava me ver Medica. Filha mais velha.... morando no interior, onde a nossa vizinha era a única medica da família...... Nao só ele realizou seu sonho em mim, mas também na minha irma e numa das filhas dela.....
Minha mãe tinha algo que trouxe comigo também: o valor das amizades. Ela tinha uma amiga em especial ....que tinha uma casa cercada de plantas..... e hoje tenho uma casa semelhante, pois desde pequena queria muito algo tipo "jardim secreto" que aos poucos vou dando vida, e deixando um pouco disso transbordar para meus netos.... um dia quando forem (se forem...) ler isso, poderão transcrever suas memórias com o "jardim secreto"....
Meu pai gostava de dançar com minha mae, e ambos ao rodopiarem em minha memória me fizeram "emocional" ao ver Mia e Sebastian dançando .....
Eu tinha sonhos como qualquer menina moça comum a minha época, de casar e ter filhos. Dois eu tive, um se foi para o mundo do imaginário aos 5 anos (Mateus) e permanecerá sempre uma criança onde os sonhos projetados nele não terão a realidade para me mostrar que cada um constrói a sua realidade e prossegue quando capacitado emocionalmente....
O outro (Cristiano), hoje com mais de quarenta, continua me mostrando que nem todo sonho projetado, dos pais sobre os filhos, será o que os pais querem.... e esta realidade é o grande segredo do orgulho, paz e alegria que um progenitor pode sentir (no entanto dolorosa quando a realidade se instala): assistindo a capacitação do filho e o seu partir do ninho.... para formar e cuidar de sua família, e, prosseguir.... e somente então há a emergencia do amor transcendental que reluz, brilha e vibra dentro de nós: os filhos dos filhos.... netos!
Tambem no filme revivi o sonho projetado do príncipe encantado que no meu primeiro casamento se transformou .... e por ter sido apenas meu sonho... sem cumplicidade de casamento real, se esvaiu! se evaporou!.... e assim fui,
Jogada na realidade, de que o sonho projetado no outro, sem parceria, se reduz a solidão, e isso me transformou. ...
Descobri que tenho resiliência. Descobri que podia ressignificar a dor da perda em ganhos, que se não para mim exclusivamente, poderia também ser para o beneficio de um outro na relação. E ai então de fato me resgatei, pois descobri o que era ser médica, que eu tinha uma paixão enorme pela minha especialidade, que eu amava o desabrochar das capacidades dos pequeninos precocemente rotulados como limitados e diferentes..... Foi então que de fato incorporei meu desejo de conhecer mais e mais como funciona a interação mente/corpo/cérebro. Trilhei sozinha por quase uma década, e quando me senti de fato feliz com minhas descobertas, estava pronta para partilhar afeto com um homem de fato parceiro, pois sabia que podia contar comigo mesma..... na alegria e na tristeza...
15 anos desde então.
Ontem, no nosso Valentine's Day, Vicente e eu conversávamos sobre o quanto o sonho de cada um não pode ser misturado com o sonho comum do casal. Tínhamos, e ainda temos, todos os riscos de prosseguir à parte como no filme onde Mia e Sebastian seguiram seus sonhos sem ficarem juntos, ou prosseguir no nosso contrato de respeito ao conteúdo de cada um..... O que nos diferencia deles, na nossa historia, é termos sabido amadurecer na relação. Cada um respeita o sonho do outro. O do meu hubby viver e trabalhar na America do norte, e, o meu, profissional iniciado ha quase 40 anos; soubemos nos adaptar e há 12 anos faço ponte aérea entre as Américas, do norte e do sul, estudo no Norte e aplico o que aprendo no Sul. Foi difícil? Sim. ... e tem sido.... mas perseguir um sonho, sem misturar "por demais as malas e seus conteúdos" tem sido uma forma de viver muito alem daquilo que eu sonhava quando adolescente: e transcender-se!
E se assim o é, não há como não me emocionar com MIA e sua coragem de perseguir seu sonho.... podendo inclusive ver no marido da MIA, o meu marido Vicente.
A grande particularidade nossa é Vicente saber valorizar e respeitar meus dois grandes amores da America do sul: meus netos e meus pacientes.... do contrario juntos nos não estaríamos mais. A ele devo, alem da gratidão por ter sonhado seu sonho, ter me aberto mais possibilidades, permitir que prosseguisse sonhar meu sonho tornando-o realidade, que poderia ter desistido e prosseguido apenas como esposa.... teria eu me adaptado? Creio que não pois O meu bem precioso de acumulo de conhecimento para auxiliar meus pacientes, teve minha persistência, sim, e, sua parceria, sua tolerância em me ver ir e vir, teve sua admiração pelo meu trabalho, pelas minhas conquistas....
E aqui paro para pensar sobre as mulheres dependentes financeiramente.... não conseguiria ser como elas; eis então outra razão que me mantém, meu BRIO, de independência financeira - trabalhar, produzir, sustentar-se, e ai sim, poder ser valorizada pela parceria, sem usar e sem ser usada..... apenas desejada....
Sonhamos juntos poder ter mais tempo juntos.... sonhamos juntos compartilhar mais brincadeiras e historias com meus netos... sonhamos juntos podermos saborear um entardecer juntos sem pensar que em algumas semanas terei que partir .... sonhamos juntos podermos partir juntos....
E assim, volto a escutar as melodias do La La Land!!
MS.
Thursday, March 5, 2015
A man and his luggage!
....para as idas e vindas entre dois continentes, com diferentes culturas, com diferentes vínculos afetivos, com diferentes objetivos...
Um telefonema chega,era minha amiga Stela. Her daughter was stuck at Miami’s airport due to bad weather...
Vou em busca de news. ...e essa imagem se destaca abrindo uma janela em minha memória de longo prazo...
Interessante que não fui jogada pra dentro da realidade do bad weather the hoje na região de NYC. Fui remetida ao “porão das minhas lembranças de viagens.... mas mais do que isso, linkada no porão das “amarras afetivas” que a cada viagem remexe no “conteúdo” da “mala psíquica”!
Oh me oh my! E olhando melhor entendi o porque - a capa do cd(LP) da jaqueta do moco solitario foi o gatilho!!! e o tamanho das malas o link...
Para onde?? Voltei para um período da minha vida (Stela faz parte desse período) onde escutava Rolling Stones, um tempo em que minhas relações afetivas não eram sintonicas nem sincrónicas com minhas aspiracoes profissionais, com meu potencial cognitivo, com as parcerias.... e quando ainda tinha mais “ganhos que perdas” na estrada em construção !
Belissima “viagem no tempo" quando o que mais senti foi PAZ! foi aceitação; foi poder ver beleza no frio que emanava da trajetória/ entremeado pela certeza de que ao final da ponte havia uma casa que posso chamar de HOME; foi poder pensar o quanto o tempo nos ajuda a reorganizar nossas construções/desconstrucoes!
E se alguns so conseguem rechear uma mala pequena, e problema deles, são escolhas deles, eu preciso e recompactar a minha, inerente a forma como “recheio” meu conteúdo no vai e vem de viver a vida! Afif.... let’s move on... next step to get to the end of this bridge....
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
A film that shows much more that is said!!! - “ IMITATION GAME”
http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi969255961/
Sunday afternoon;Winter in Chicagoland; Hubby and I went for a matinee! There was this film I had not watched yet, neither my hubby, and fortunately both were much interested in it!
I recall my memories on studying Turing much more from Marco Idiart and Rita Almeida’s (Drs in Physics from UFRGS) Monday’s - brain storming bridges meeting than from my high school days!!! (but can recall my awesome prof Steinke... All because I was trying to understand and build bridges in between Maths/Physics and Neuroscience studying with them a bit of the huge amount of information one could get on a consilient way ( oh yeah by that time I was reading consilience by Edward Wilson) upon CAS and neural networks.... Well, can you imagine how I felt wen some of the dialogues that occurred during the film took me back to my office while I was listening some answers of Turing to his group?
Let’s say, I don’t believe you can empathy with me if I don’t give you more details, right? So I will pick out some examples:
- the bullying at school and only having one friend who was weird too as he had a chronic disease (from what he happened to die (tuberculosis at that time had no treatment)). I believe truly he was not a true homosexual but, induced by the environment: his only friend was a boy at that time, and as he did not know how to approach woman, he stayed believing he was homo.., and was even blackmailed later at the lab, as homophobia was much more severe on those days...
Both being DIFFERENT from the range!!!!!
However, the lady was weird too for the time being.... she was clever... and even passed the test of Turing in less than 6 minutes!!!! Hah! And this attracted Turing! There was a woman who was much more interested in sharing ideas than the range of woman did for the time being (let’s say so, for the time being.... )
So, in this way of looking into the film, made me think of “The essencial differences... “ of Simon Baron Cohen where (coincidence or not he is from Cambridge university too!! hahah) shows how the RANGE of human mind/brain network can overlap in some people and one must be alert not to stamp a disorder whenever one is not on the “NORMAL” RANGE of behavior.
Since I can recall myself practicing neuropediatrics, one of the main pillars in this area is neurodevelopment. Well, now you got it? Every human being brings to life a heavy“luggage” of genes to be turn on or off by his neurodevelopment, triggered by the interaction with his environment!!
Well, in saying so, he had other characteristics that were ODD for the NORMAL RANGE! For instance, The lady had to taught him how to engage the pals at the lab: but than he took an apple to each of them.... that’s a bit odd, isn’t it? (he told them it was not his own idea!)
But of course I loved it!
Or, when he “looked a bit narcissistic” upon his own capability in unrevealing the “Enigma” - he was ONLY DESCRIBING THE TRUE as those kind of people don’t lie! They don’t know how to do that! They just describe exactly what they see or feel! They are too compromised with the description of what it really is/happens to be;
And after all, what’s the point in lying? You see what I mean? The NORMAL range, early in life learns how to cheat, how not to tell the entire truth as they learn the society has rules to win/to dispute/to cheat.... and, the bullies are experts on this field as they develop their neural network in another way: they don’t know much about respect, ethics/the human rights law! Or at least, don’t want to give much thought upon it!
Well, now that I put some of my thought into written words, upon the film, let me say, I visualized many of my patients and parents (adolescents, young adults) who can be identified as having an overlapping behavior as Turing’s ones! Not all as genius as he was, but having brilliant ideas, but most of the time unable to put it into a productive applicability at work....
And here, they have another identification that was shown in the film: the disrespect the society, no matter at what time we are living, towards the DIFFERENT ones!
I got very emotional toward the end, when he got very disorganized being by himself, trying to imerge into his ideas of building again his machine at his home, not giving a dam to taking care of his body, his relationships, his environment.... he just wanted to be at his comfort zone!!!
Isn’t life an "Imitation game”? Winners and losers, according to everyone’s target? To everyone’s neural network??
Sunday afternoon;Winter in Chicagoland; Hubby and I went for a matinee! There was this film I had not watched yet, neither my hubby, and fortunately both were much interested in it!
I recall my memories on studying Turing much more from Marco Idiart and Rita Almeida’s (Drs in Physics from UFRGS) Monday’s - brain storming bridges meeting than from my high school days!!! (but can recall my awesome prof Steinke... All because I was trying to understand and build bridges in between Maths/Physics and Neuroscience studying with them a bit of the huge amount of information one could get on a consilient way ( oh yeah by that time I was reading consilience by Edward Wilson) upon CAS and neural networks.... Well, can you imagine how I felt wen some of the dialogues that occurred during the film took me back to my office while I was listening some answers of Turing to his group?
Let’s say, I don’t believe you can empathy with me if I don’t give you more details, right? So I will pick out some examples:
- the bullying at school and only having one friend who was weird too as he had a chronic disease (from what he happened to die (tuberculosis at that time had no treatment)). I believe truly he was not a true homosexual but, induced by the environment: his only friend was a boy at that time, and as he did not know how to approach woman, he stayed believing he was homo.., and was even blackmailed later at the lab, as homophobia was much more severe on those days...
Both being DIFFERENT from the range!!!!!
However, the lady was weird too for the time being.... she was clever... and even passed the test of Turing in less than 6 minutes!!!! Hah! And this attracted Turing! There was a woman who was much more interested in sharing ideas than the range of woman did for the time being (let’s say so, for the time being.... )
So, in this way of looking into the film, made me think of “The essencial differences... “ of Simon Baron Cohen where (coincidence or not he is from Cambridge university too!! hahah) shows how the RANGE of human mind/brain network can overlap in some people and one must be alert not to stamp a disorder whenever one is not on the “NORMAL” RANGE of behavior.
Since I can recall myself practicing neuropediatrics, one of the main pillars in this area is neurodevelopment. Well, now you got it? Every human being brings to life a heavy“luggage” of genes to be turn on or off by his neurodevelopment, triggered by the interaction with his environment!!
Well, in saying so, he had other characteristics that were ODD for the NORMAL RANGE! For instance, The lady had to taught him how to engage the pals at the lab: but than he took an apple to each of them.... that’s a bit odd, isn’t it? (he told them it was not his own idea!)
But of course I loved it!
Or, when he “looked a bit narcissistic” upon his own capability in unrevealing the “Enigma” - he was ONLY DESCRIBING THE TRUE as those kind of people don’t lie! They don’t know how to do that! They just describe exactly what they see or feel! They are too compromised with the description of what it really is/happens to be;
And after all, what’s the point in lying? You see what I mean? The NORMAL range, early in life learns how to cheat, how not to tell the entire truth as they learn the society has rules to win/to dispute/to cheat.... and, the bullies are experts on this field as they develop their neural network in another way: they don’t know much about respect, ethics/the human rights law! Or at least, don’t want to give much thought upon it!
Well, now that I put some of my thought into written words, upon the film, let me say, I visualized many of my patients and parents (adolescents, young adults) who can be identified as having an overlapping behavior as Turing’s ones! Not all as genius as he was, but having brilliant ideas, but most of the time unable to put it into a productive applicability at work....
And here, they have another identification that was shown in the film: the disrespect the society, no matter at what time we are living, towards the DIFFERENT ones!
I got very emotional toward the end, when he got very disorganized being by himself, trying to imerge into his ideas of building again his machine at his home, not giving a dam to taking care of his body, his relationships, his environment.... he just wanted to be at his comfort zone!!!
Isn’t life an "Imitation game”? Winners and losers, according to everyone’s target? To everyone’s neural network??
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Moments
It’s Sunday, 4 hrs apart on the same day. While I was mowing at Bosques do Sul, Hubby was sleeping in Chicago. While we said good morning through the Skype it was already midday over here... and so we carry on while apart...
It was 5 on the clock he called me to show me this video as we were having trouble to run the one we got on american DVDs and he bought this one... Foi um grande reforco dos cuidados com o que eu gosto pois nap so e a Filarmonica de Berlin e ha uma msg inicial em alemao... mas tem criancas cantando junto....
Sao momentos como esse que superam as dificuldades de um relacionamento de tantos anos adaptado no estar juntos, e estar aparte...divididos por um oceanos, muitas horas de aeroporto, muitas horas de voo. Ha que se ter muita resiliencia para não desistir... ha que se ter muita cumplicidade pra prosseguir... Thanks hubby, we have momentos...of glory. LovU.
It was 5 on the clock he called me to show me this video as we were having trouble to run the one we got on american DVDs and he bought this one... Foi um grande reforco dos cuidados com o que eu gosto pois nap so e a Filarmonica de Berlin e ha uma msg inicial em alemao... mas tem criancas cantando junto....
Sao momentos como esse que superam as dificuldades de um relacionamento de tantos anos adaptado no estar juntos, e estar aparte...divididos por um oceanos, muitas horas de aeroporto, muitas horas de voo. Ha que se ter muita resiliencia para não desistir... ha que se ter muita cumplicidade pra prosseguir... Thanks hubby, we have momentos...of glory. LovU.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Peculiarities of a mum!
24th January, a day to celebrate B-day of someone who lived enough time to make memories that will never die, inside myself. Isn’t this amazing?
Some time ago, I decided not to thing and get distressed on the day he went for good. I decided to use his B-day, instead, to make the ritual of recalling his time of being among us - 5 years is a lifetime, specially when one can be so intense! All by myself (mums do things that only for them it makes sense!) I went to the heaven recalling moments of joy, went to hell recalling the loss of him, but by the end the joy is still the one that is the most intense, my dearest Matheus.
As always, I do something concrete to be recalled together, later on. This time, tossed my mind my new home, we are preparing for retirement, and I thought on the changes on my pics on a new wall. And, guess what? Well, you may think there is a sort of a coincidence going on, serendipity, in which I am getting all this help from the universe! Or, may believe, as I do, this is the complex adaptive system of my neural connections within and on the collective unconscious !! I simply looked and found connections with one of my most beloved musics
http://youtu.be/2zx6j4vI8lE
To wrap up such an intense day I came home with a bunch of flowers and a cake…
Some time ago, I decided not to thing and get distressed on the day he went for good. I decided to use his B-day, instead, to make the ritual of recalling his time of being among us - 5 years is a lifetime, specially when one can be so intense! All by myself (mums do things that only for them it makes sense!) I went to the heaven recalling moments of joy, went to hell recalling the loss of him, but by the end the joy is still the one that is the most intense, my dearest Matheus.
As always, I do something concrete to be recalled together, later on. This time, tossed my mind my new home, we are preparing for retirement, and I thought on the changes on my pics on a new wall. And, guess what? Well, you may think there is a sort of a coincidence going on, serendipity, in which I am getting all this help from the universe! Or, may believe, as I do, this is the complex adaptive system of my neural connections within and on the collective unconscious !! I simply looked and found connections with one of my most beloved musics
http://youtu.be/2zx6j4vI8lE
Happy B-Day Matheus! And for a drink nothing better than the South brazilian’s tradition of a chimarrao!. After all, it is freezing outside! (8 F = 13 C below zero) here in Michigan.
5 years from the time I wrote the above. Many things have happened; many things, indeed! But the memory of you my boy has not changed a bit,as no new memories of you have been registered in my mind, to be rearrenged! I have to deal with time passing by, looking inside myself to recall the warm feeling of your hugs...
Should we meet again ? Oh God, I would so much love to give you a long hug, look into your eyes, hear your laugh, kiss you once more.. Love you so much, my boy, forever and ever.
And, today, while remembering some moments, I have a chimarrao all by myself, listening nursery rhymes.....
Oh and again in Michigan, temperature 28 F (-2 C)
https://youtu.be/W-P8UvOwvrY
Should we meet again ? Oh God, I would so much love to give you a long hug, look into your eyes, hear your laugh, kiss you once more.. Love you so much, my boy, forever and ever.
And, today, while remembering some moments, I have a chimarrao all by myself, listening nursery rhymes.....
Oh and again in Michigan, temperature 28 F (-2 C)
https://youtu.be/W-P8UvOwvrY
Friday, January 11, 2013
Today is Friday, one of those days you can be more casual, can’t you? I love this idea, as this is “in” (meaning (IN)side/(IN)corporated/(IN)bodied) on an american culture.
Than, loosely, through music, as most of the time, I got to some “oldies” in brazilian music and guess what “popped “out of my neural network!? - Zeca Baleiro with the music http://youtu.be/85JcEODT-vY
Well, like the fast forward button on a recorder, my wiring system did it backwards and forwards connecting memories and rewiring new connections. Com essa musica I recall
the first time I listened it - impressed by the nice way poetry in lyrics and the beauty of rhythm can mix cultures! Today new signifiers emerged! Through the mix of the 2 languages this music can represent a bit of my eagerness of other cultures, the way I adapt my living in it, the courage I have had to get out of my comfort zone to learn … And always mixing in the happiness and peace I can feel afterwards; once of course I don’t deny to myself to feel sadness, homesickness, loneliness, laughter, tears running on my face, frustration, anger, helplessness. The capacity to be alone, to integrate those feelings, not being afraid to grow and mature is a stage of mind one needs to (IN)corporate, to bring up to Conscious mind. And then, have beautiful (IN)tegrated MOMENTS of JOY/FUN to let the cultures mixed (IN)side yourself. Dancing through the paths of memories, clinching in new ones, re- signifying old ones, this is maturation for myself. And once this is (In)bodied, the transgenerational culture can emerge and another music pops up http://youtu.be/ti0ZeQyJTHA
Hahah - did you get it? I travelled quite far way into the deepest layers of my mind, so many many images of my life…. and had joy! You can do it. Give me your feedback if you wish.
Well, may not, yet! As John Fogerty says in one of his songs… Memories are so personal… you may not get it in this way…but stop for a moment…. re-think your own history… yes… got it? Do it… it’s FUN. Have a happy casual Friday!
Than, loosely, through music, as most of the time, I got to some “oldies” in brazilian music and guess what “popped “out of my neural network!? - Zeca Baleiro with the music http://youtu.be/85JcEODT-vY
Well, like the fast forward button on a recorder, my wiring system did it backwards and forwards connecting memories and rewiring new connections. Com essa musica I recall
the first time I listened it - impressed by the nice way poetry in lyrics and the beauty of rhythm can mix cultures! Today new signifiers emerged! Through the mix of the 2 languages this music can represent a bit of my eagerness of other cultures, the way I adapt my living in it, the courage I have had to get out of my comfort zone to learn … And always mixing in the happiness and peace I can feel afterwards; once of course I don’t deny to myself to feel sadness, homesickness, loneliness, laughter, tears running on my face, frustration, anger, helplessness. The capacity to be alone, to integrate those feelings, not being afraid to grow and mature is a stage of mind one needs to (IN)corporate, to bring up to Conscious mind. And then, have beautiful (IN)tegrated MOMENTS of JOY/FUN to let the cultures mixed (IN)side yourself. Dancing through the paths of memories, clinching in new ones, re- signifying old ones, this is maturation for myself. And once this is (In)bodied, the transgenerational culture can emerge and another music pops up http://youtu.be/ti0ZeQyJTHA
Hahah - did you get it? I travelled quite far way into the deepest layers of my mind, so many many images of my life…. and had joy! You can do it. Give me your feedback if you wish.
Well, may not, yet! As John Fogerty says in one of his songs… Memories are so personal… you may not get it in this way…but stop for a moment…. re-think your own history… yes… got it? Do it… it’s FUN. Have a happy casual Friday!
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